Meaning of Ex-gay
The term ex-gay can be confusing because it describes both a position and a process. It describes a change that has BEEN done and is BEING done by Jesus Christ.
It does not necessarily mean that the person who describes himself as ex-gay has arrived at a point of perfection and that he no longer has attractions. It does mean that God has brought about a radical shift in self-concept and behavior that will facilitate a shift in attractions and how the person experiences the opposite sex.
When a person accepts his new identity in Christ and begins the change process, he does not automatically become a heterosexual. Homosexual lust is not transformed into heterosexual lust.
From a Biblical Worldview, the opposite to gayness is not heterosexuality, but Holiness. There is usually a period of celibacy as the person submits himself fully to God as a living sacrifice. Then the believer can let God begin changing not only the sexual aspect of personality, but the whole self. Heterosexuality may or may not be an eventuality, but it is not the goal.
Change must be a secondary issue: we have been too anxious to promote an idealistic quick view of change, and not enough emphasis on obedience. Bonhoffer said, "When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die." We should feel that it is marvelous either way, whether we successfully change our orientation or we live a life of celibacy. The point is to pray: "God, just let me please you."
Probably the single most important aspect of becoming ex-gay is the acceptance of a NEW identity. For many people, gayness has become the point of reference, the one self definition around which everything else revolves. One of the reasons people become involved in homosexuality is the fact that gayness provides a sense of self. In becoming ex-gay, Jesus Christ, Himself, becomes the core of self concept. His word says,
"Therefore if any man is in Christ, he IS a new creature; the old things are passed away; behold, new things have come." (II Cor. 5:17).
Notice that this passage says "he is a new creature," not "should be a new creature" or "tries to become a new creature." See also I Cor. 6:9-11. Verse 11 says, "and such WERE justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and in the Spirit of our God." When a person from a gay background says that he is ex-gay, he is simply agreeing with God. This is the POSITION of newness mentioned in the opening sentence.
Being ex-gay also means that the person is going through a day-by-day, even minute-by- minute PROCESS of change. For ANY Christian, sanctification is an ongoing process. We all are daily being transformed into the image of Christ. Attitudes need to change. Habits need to be changed. Ideas about people and about sex need to be changed. These changes come about as a natural PART of the Christian life. Changes may call for the person to be obedient to and to cooperate with the Holy Spirit, but it is Jesus Christ who changes the ex-gay, not any human being.
Even though Jesus, Himself, does the changing, He may use another human being as an instrument. For example, nearly every person who considers himself ex-gay has had as part of the change process one very special Christian friend of the same sex. This friend was one who would listen to, pray for and most of all love and accept the person involved in the change process. This special friend is someone who demonstrates that it is possible to give and receive real love between persons of the same sex without a sexual relationship developing. This special friend is someone God uses to bring about repair in self-esteem and to demonstrate real Christian love.
Most ex-gays experience what has been called a "burning-out" process. During this time the person isn't particularly concerned about accepting a new label. He is not anxious about becoming heterosexual. Sexual things become secondary. The most important concern becomes "what does God want RIGHT NOW?" This is a period of rest and trust, when sexual concerns may still be pressing, but not primary.
As with any label, "ex-gay" can become oppressive and limiting. There is a danger of building a new self concept around this label just as it was built around the terms "gay" or "homosexual". Self concept must be based on who we ARE in Christ, not on what we USED to do or who we USED to be.
Temptations will arise. This should be expected. This does not mean that Jesus is not at work changing the individual. Temptations are actually reminders of just how dependent ALL of us must be upon Jesus. Read James 1:2-4.
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various temptations; knowing that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, LACKING IN NOTHING."
As Christians, we need to see that temptations are PART of growing and maturing in our relationship to Jesus. Temptation is NOT sin. Whether or not temptation leads to sin depends on our response to it. We can try to deal with temptation on our own (and fail) or we can admit our need to God at the very beginning.
The ex-gay needs support. Fellowship is essential. Having at least one close friend who knows about the struggles can be a real step towards liberation. With this in mind, don't hesitate to contact Reclamation Resources for additional help. We understand. We've been there.
