Reclaimed by Christ - Personal testimony of Mike Levenhagen

I was born the youngest of three boys. My alcoholic father verbally and physically abused my two older brothers. Because I was the “baby of the family,” my dad never hit me and rarely raised his voice at me. I quickly learned how to use the favoritism to manipulate my father as well as my brothers. Deep inside, however, I was extremely lonely and afraid.

At an early age my life was filled with a great tension. On one hand, I wanted to know what it meant to be masculine, to connect and be affirmed by my older brothers and my dad. Yet, on the other hand, I saw that it was very dangerous to try to connect with masculinity. My way of dealing with the pain and confusion was to detach from my deep, God-given longings to connect with my father.

Proverbs 14:12 (KJV) says, “There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.” I never was even aware of that choice to detach from my longings for my father. I am not even sure how old I was when I made that decision. But it set me up for a childhood of loneliness and fear. Those feelings of isolation and of somehow being different than the rest of my peers followed me through school.

When an older neighborhood boy began to sexually abuse me, I finally felt a connection with someone else. The sexual abuse created more confusion, more pain and more loneliness. I confused sexual intimacy with relational intimacy. By the time I was in seventh grade, I was sexually active with a few other guys. When I finally left home for college, I was still feeling very isolated from and very inferior to every other guy.

In college I found new ways to escape the pain through drugs and pornography. My involvement in pornography took a downward spiral into frequent visits to adult book stores and anonymous homosexual encounters. For years I maintained surface relationships while continuously being driven by my secret sexual desires.

My life was a continual quest to fill the deep desire for an intimate relationship and for purpose in my life (God-designed longings that only He could fulfill). I found my life out of control, thinking that the next sexual encounter would be the one that truly satisfied.

One day when I was driving home from work, I tuned into some neat music that caught my ears – it was a local Christian radio station. Listening to the program whetted my appetite for church and the things of God. I didn't personally know any Christians, so I stopped at the radio station to find a Bible study that met during the daytime. They directed me to one that was part of a singles’ group. I plugged into a church and became very active in it.

For three years I went to church, prayed and read my Bible. I met a young woman in the study and began dating her. I wanted so much to put my homosexual lifestyle behind me and I wrongly thought marriage would be the answer. We eventually were engaged to be married. My life was full of deception as I continued to secretly act on my lusts. I was shocked when she broke off our engagement to get involved in a lesbian relationship. I had never known she also was dealing with same-sex-attractions.

God finally touched me at a play put on by our church. God showed me that I couldn't strive enough to please Him. He showed me it was only through Christ's sacrifice that I could ever hope to see Him. As I felt Him lovingly invite me to accept His offer on His terms, I was broken and prayed to receive Jesus and His gift of grace.

Although I received Jesus as my Savior, things did not automatically change. For a year I struggled silently and continuously fell into sexual sin. I repeatedly responded to altar calls and recommitted myself to sexual purity, crying out for God to either remove my compulsion or give me the strength to withstand my urges.

Jesus did answer my prayers, but in ways I didn't see then. My problem was relational and God used relationships to restore me. He put a Godly, accepting man into my life at a time when I really needed it and was ready for it. I connected with a local pastor named Don.

Jesus used the time I spent with Don to show me how my compulsive behaviors were based in legitimate, God-given longings. The process was long because I had refused to embrace those longings to keep from dealing with the pain of all the abuse and rejection I experienced growing up. As I turned away from my sinful strategies to avoid my God-given dignity, I was face-to-face with the rage, bitterness, self-centeredness that fueled my distorted sexual identity. All the time Jesus was gently and patiently showing me His love and grace—through Don, through His Spirit, and through His Word—even in the midst of my unbelief and rebellion.

I discovered that real change from homosexuality should not be seen as a goal or as something one sets out to accomplish; that change is the byproduct of a chosen direction and chosen activities. The direction that needs to be chosen is not unique to the problem of homosexuality, but one that is common to all Christians pursuing holiness. Basic Christian disciplines (understanding ourselves in the light of God’s truth, knowing God, lovingly relating to others, and understanding spiritual warfare) were essential to the restoration process. The basic approach is still simple (but not simplistic)—those who diligently seek Him will find Him.

God significantly used another person in my life as well. During the whole process, I had a soul-mate—Kathy. We met in the singles group and mutually encouraged each other as we dealt with our life-controlling problems—me with homosexuality, and her with bulimia. We cried together, prayed together and laughed together. As we continued to deal with our issues, we grew closer to each other.

I stopped acting out with other men and stopped using pornography. I also started to relate with my peers and created healthy friendships with other guys. As the process continued, a longing stirred in my masculine soul for a more intimate relationship with Kathy. We pursued a dating relationship and one year later, were married. Don was my best-man.

I believe that the damage done in our life is the damage done. God doesn’t take us back through time and remove the incidents that have wounded our souls. What God does do, however, is sufficiently heals those wounds, affirms our dignity and calls us into a deep relationship with Him. He allows us to overcome the limitations of our past and enter the fullness of His truth.  Jesus not only gave me freedom from homosexual behavior, but He also brought me into my true identity as a man.

While I would never limit the ability of God for a miraculous change, my experience has been that this side of glory, there will still be vulnerability for a homosexual temptation to occur. The difference is that now if a homosexual temptation does occur, I can embrace the true longing in my soul for intimacy and submit it to God. I am no longer consumed by lust and uncontrolled homosexual desires. The longer I go in this journey; even those residual temptations are less frequent and less intense. I am a husband and a pastor whom Christ has redeemed and restored.